So this past year, I’ve had the unfortunate experience of dating someone who was completely off her rocker. I mean, seriously, she was literally the craziest person I’ve ever gotten to know. I should have seen it coming, honestly. But, for your entertainment, here are some text message transcriptions that I’m willing to publicly share. I’ve edited some things to make them SFW and to add explanations in angle brackets (<>). The only privacy is that I’m filtering is her own name, but if you know me pretty well, it’s not hard to figure out who she is. Also, I have not removed any texts and the dates are accurate. I will note where I removed a portion of texts, but only because it’s boring and doesn’t get my point across. More like, the stuff that I did remove is irrelevant.
19 November 2012, 10:50
Me: So there was an armed robbery today at foothill. Two backpacks stolen at gunpoint with a semiautomatic. No lockdown though.
Her: Are you alive
Me: No I’m bleeding out in the foothill ICU
Me: JK I’m still breathing
Me: Oh you wanted me dead…?
Her: I was kidding
19 November 2012, 21:43
Her: I miss Evan <her ex before me>
20 November 2012, 0:08
Me: What makes you say that?
20 November 2012, 7:25
Her: <she attaches some stupid picture that says, in Times font, “Stop the glorification of busy.”>
Her: Because honestly I don’t give a platter of f—
20 November 2012, 9:16
Me: I’m sorry I set my priorities like the rest of the human population where work comes first.
20 November 2012, 10:12
Her: I’m leaving you. Just f— yourself
20 November 2012, 12:02
20 November 2012, 12:48
Her: You are a horrible boyfriend. I don’t love you anymore
Her: If you get a pot of plant, you can’t just expect it to live after watering it for a few days
20 November 2012, 14:46
Me: Fine. If you think so, I feel very bad for you.
Her: Why do you feel bad
Her: Or is that another sarcasm
Me: This kind of attitude is the one that loses people. Think about it.
Her: Are you in class right now
20 November 2012, 15:02
Her: Actually why the hell did I ask that. If you can’t handle the worst of me, you can’t have my best. I am worth more than you and I can do so much better.
Her: And I am most likely not come back to you
20 November 2012, 18:18
<during this time, I believe she called me roughly 20 times in an interval of 15 minutes (how’s that even possible?), all of which I ignored. She didn’t get the message apparently…>
Her: Thanks for ignoring my calls. I am sorry but what I meant to say is that although you are quite attractive and nice at time, I don’t want to date you anymore since you are too busy to date and I am an asshole to you
20 November 2012, 19:58
Her: Shit what have I done…. I think I made the same mistake
20 November 2012, 23:06
Her: Hey sorry for bothering like shit but I was wondering if we could talk about this in person
20 November 2012, 23:42
Me: we can, I am on timer that ends on midnight w/out penalty
Her: I will call around 12:15 then
Me: Uh no because I have more than half of the work left. I only just finished one small part.
Her: How about tomorrow? I end school really early tomorrow
Me: Depends if I finish my essay within the next five hours
Her: Oh and good luck on the essay
Her: It will be in the afternoon still tomorrow when I finish school. It shouldn’t take more than 5 or 10 mins
21 November 2012, 2:42
Her: How is the essay coming along
Me: I am still working on it.
Her: Imma stay up for awhile so if you want to talk or anything like that feel free to talk to me
Me: I’m not gonna finish soon, so I suggest you go sleep.
Her: I took a 4 hour nap earlier
Her: So I don’t think I am going to sleep. And I can’t sleep when I’m worried
21 November 2012, 3:46
Her: I’m not tired but I will go to sleep anyways. Good night! I hope we talk in person tomorrow.
21 November 2012, 14:34
<I think she called me at this time, I was driving>
Her: Call me back when you aren’t driving
21 November 2012, 17:14
<She messages me some picture of something she drew in her art class, I don’t know what it is.>
Her: To brighten things up, guess what I drew
21 November 2012, 18:46
Her: Shit I got rejected from Oberlin Multicultural Program
21 November 2012, 21:39
Her: I think I figured things out
Her: Can you call me after chem? <I had Chem 1A for the fall quarter, which took up my Monday and Wednesday nights until 10:30PM>
21 November 2012, 22:26
Me: I’m actually going to sleep now, I literally had only one or two hours of sleep within the last 36 hours
Her: Alright then. It’s kind of important though, so I would like to talk about it tomorrow.
Her: Actually it’s really important. But we can talk about it tomorrow. Sorry for bothering so much.
22 November 2012, 16:34
Her: I cant tell if you are ignoring me or not <kind slow on that, aren’t you?>
22 November 2012, 16:53
Her: I really wanted to tell you that we should get back together. I think if I am more patient with your crazy schedule and you talk to me a bit more, we should be fine.
Her: And I should reduce my pms personality
Me: Short answer is no. Long answer may come after thanksgiving. Enjoy your thanksgiving evening with your family and friends.
Her: I don’t even celebrate thanksgiving
22 November 2012, 18:16
Her: By the way you might want to change the settings so Siri won’t think that I am your gf still <I have an iPhone 4, not a 4S… though I did have Siri at one point it was literally useless other than hearing it say “I’m sorry, I cannot connect…” or something like that>
22 November 2012, 20:58
Her: I deleted my Instagram account. I hope we are really good friends still.
22 November 2012, 22:45
Her: Are you going black Friday shopping?
23 November 2012, 9:10
Her: How did the fry’s shopping go?
23 November 2012, 14:21
Her: I ended up not going to black Friday shopping but I am sure you had a lot of fun
23 November 2012, 14:30
Her: Are you busy tomorrow?
Her: Work to do huh
Her: What about Sunday
Me: ECYS plus maybe meeting people i haven’t seen in hella before they go off back to college
Her: Eylar is crazy. We are having only 1 rehearsal before the winter concert
Her: Anyhow I will be bored this weekend
23 November 2012, 14:53
Her: I am curious about your long answer
23 November 2012, 15:19
Her: Actually if you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine.
23 November 2012, 17:12
Her: I am getting so crazy. I am like in front of your place <!!!! WHAT?!>
23 November 2012, 17:31
Her: I left. Don’t worry
23 November 2012, 18:14
Her: I am at my favorite spot on the top of the hill next to the mansion. I miss you <attached is a dark picture of the Cupertino view from that hill>
24 November 2012, 18:22
Her: Thanks for not getting me back. For some strange reason, I sound a lot better on flute. But I hope we remain as good friends. Have a nice day.
25 November 2012, 18:18
Her: Dude why are you guys copying us lol
Her: I meant the alumni playing at the x-th anniversary thing. Oh well.
Her: <she sends me a pic of some flute music>
Her: This shit has been throwing me off for the past 3 hours.
25 November 2012, 18:31
Her: So were there any people visiting today from college
Her: I don’t get it. Why don’t you just block me if you find me f—ing annoying?
25 November 2012, 19:22
Her: F—ing asshole. Why the f— did I date you in the first place
25 November 2012, 20:48
Me: Uh. Why the hostility?
Her: Do you have any idea how I have been living the past few days
Me: Do I want to know…?
Her: Well you would know if you want to know or not
Her: You are so f—ing messed up
Me: How so? You do realize I was on the verge of filing a restraining order when you said you were right outside my home.
Her: Why didn’t you do it
25 November 2012, 21:00
Me: Because a) it seemed to extreme for now and b) I was too busy with other things.
Her: What the f— is wrong with you? Given that you hate the shit out of me, that was the perfect chance to mess up my life <does she even realize what she is saying??>
Her: And I broke up with you technically so I can be as hostile you as much as I would. I really tried being friends with you, but I am not sure where this is really heading
26 November 2012, 2:20
Me: Well, I don’t want to mess up anyone’s life, so for now I’m not going to do anything. As for that, I honestly don’t really care what happens as I am seriously not in the mood for any drama,nor do I have any time for it, so I think I’m taking the best course of action. Yes, we can be friends, but just don’t annoy the hell out of me. Also I never said I hated you. Remember this: “assume makes an ass out of u and me.”
26 November 2012, 7:25
Her: And when in the hell did I assume that you hate me
26 November 2012, 17:00
Me: <I send her a screenshot of her “Given that you hate the shit out of me” text>
26 November 2012, 17:42
Her: Well, sorry that I assumed that you hate my. But you do
27 November 2012, 18:52
Her: I am going to take that as yes.
28 November 2012, 18:48
Her: Dude what are we doing
29 November 2012, 20:39
Me: Don’t take that as a yes, I just didn’t reply because I needed to catch up on work and sleep.
Her: The weather is like f—ing diarrhea. My umbrella is useless.
Her: I really don’t like the fact that we are causing a mild chaos when we are trying to be nice to each other (well, at least I am; not sure about your side). <oh r’ley?> I think you might be right about the relationship that we just ended. Everything happened without too much thought, in my opinion. I wish you best regards on your apps. I am sure you have your ways to get into pretty good colleges.
2 December 2012, 12:37
What’s wrong with all of my guy friends.
2 December 2012, 18:44
Her: Dude I rejected 2 guys in the past few days. Are they retarded
Me: Uh not necessarily?
2 December 2012, 19:03
Her: They clearly know that I broke up with someone just a few weeks ago and I want to stay single yet they still try to ask me out wtf
Her: Anyways dude we have a secret Santa thing at cys. Hella excited of
2 December 2012, 19:22
Her: Dude what if I am not straight
3 December 2012, 0:57
3 December 2012, 6:45
Her: Jk I think I’m straight
3 December 2012, 7:00
Her: For now at least
13 December 2012, 23:17
Her: Dude can you please get a haircut
Her: I sorta beg you
18 December 2012, 15:04
Her: Wtf why aren’t you done with any of the privates
Her: And dude the deadline for the USC scholarship consideration passed 17 days ago
23 December 2012, 20:22
Her: <she sends me a screenshot of her Facebook sidebar, where it shows my name and that I like iTunes and Starbucks and suggest her to give me a Facebook gift>
Me: Lol k
31 December 2012, 1:06
Her: Hey your tufts vid essay seems pretty legit. It seems like you’ve done filming all in one day haha. Great editing job. As for the content, I feel that you sound a bit arrogant at some places though. Otherwise, it was quite intriguing. <backstory: I uploaded a video essay for college apps and put the link on Instagram. The thing is, Instagram doesn’t automatically turn it into clickable links, so she had to go through the trouble of typing a YouTube URL into a web browser.>
31 December 2012, 1:16
Her: And please get a haircut for my and Jesus Christ’s sake. You are looking waaaaaaaaaaaay too fine with the long hair. <Did I mention she also is a Christian and tried to sell me into religion? Yeah, screw that.>
9 January 2013, 22:09
Hey I am doing a portrait project for my art class. Will you do the honor of being my model? I don’t ask this to anyone by the way. I am not asking because you are good looking or anything like that, but you have some exaggerated facial features that I really prefer. Please respond ASAP
10 January 2013, 9:15
Me: Just take a photo of mine
Her: Okay cool!
13 January 2013, 17:51
Me: <I send her a screenshot of 20 bajillion Foursquare notifications of specifically her. Long story short, Foursquare is a social “game” where you check in to venues, such as coffee shops, and you earn points. They can get rewards, badges, etc. Basically, her checkins were at multiple different locations across town within a few second of each other, which is physically impossible and abuse of Foursquare. By this point, I believe I started to not care at all and just start getting entertainment from her reactions.>
Me: That’s not how you use Foursquare.
13 January 2013, 18:07
<Somewhere around this time, she takes a screenshot of the above text and posts it on Instagram. I respond with this: http://instagram.com/p/UeWb5nCzHr/ and http://instagram.com/p/Ueo8S1CzHm/ and http://instagram.com/p/Ue3RNBizIE/>
14 January 2013, 16:06
Her: Dude stop
14 January 2013, 16:16
Her: It’s seriously getting out of hand.
20 January 2013, 18:15
Me: <I send her another more recent screenshot of the same thing>
Me: Once again, this isn’t how you use Foursquare.
Her: Leave me alone
20 January 2013, 18:37
Me: <another screenshot of more of her stupidity>
Me: Again, this isn’t how to use it.
20 January 2013, 23:02
Her: Tell me, Mr. Smirnov, your most knowledgable theory of how to use Foursquare. I am hardly skeptical of my own use of your so beloved app. And I have used Foursquare like what you have just sent me for months; nevertheless, you never intended to tell me that I was using the app “wrong” until a week ago. Honestly I am using Foursquare for my enjoyment. I mostly likely won’t be affected much by your elaborate explanation of Foursquare use, but I will be more than delighted to hear it. And please, please, PLEASE leave me alone after your great explanation unless of emergency. The most sincerely, <her initials>.
Me: Common sense. Class is dismissed.
<I’m going to skip over this next block of texts from 18 February (the next time she texted ME) over to 17 March. A tl;dr version of this text block is about college apps, which is utterly boring and nothing of value.>
17 March 2013, 0:16
Me: <Another of those Foursquare notification screenshots>
Me: You can’t be at 6 different places at the same time.
Her: <a picture of her flipping the bird>
Her: I am f—ing tired asshole
Her: And have a great night ;P
Me: Take the hint- don’t abuse Foursquare
11 April 2013, 0:15
Her: Sergey Sergey
Her: I want to talk to you in person. Preferably before April ends. It’s kind of a conversation that cannot be equally done over text.
Me: Uh. Can I get a gist of what it’s about?
Her: Life. In general and in specifics. Etc.
<at this point I’m about to message a friend of mine to see if he can help me out just in case this meetup does happen. I don’t want to be knived by a psycho or something…>
Me: Um okay. Why not over txt though?
11 April 2013, 0:30
Her: Oh I can answer that question when we meet in person.
Me: Uh. Well you can meet me at foothill.
Her: So I am assuming that you prefer a weekday. Are there any specific days you prefer?
12 April 2013, 22:56
Her: Man you are such an asshole. <I didn’t do anything…?>
15 April 2013, 16:45
Her: You f—ing asshole.
And after this last text, she removes me from Facebook, Instagram, Foursquare, and everything that could be imagined. AND NOTHING OF VALUE WAS LOST.
Hope you enjoyed this. Moral of the story? Don’t date a crazy psychopath.